The Day I Never Knew Would Come
I was this person that was lost and didn’t know anything about life.
I was a people pleaser, always trying to make others happy and could NEVER say NO. I was afraid / fearful that something was going to happen to me all the time. I had no confidence or self-worth, I didn’t love myself and was always talking negatively about myself, to the point where I was starting to believe what I was saying about myself. I was dealing with my identity and had no idea who I was anymore, I was looking for love and attention in all the wrong places. I even went as far as looking for other women at this point, I just wanted someone to love me. This had a lot to do with my childhood growing up. I was an alcoholic, drinking everyday, so I didn’t have to deal with my emotions. I needed something to dull my pain and every day life. On top of everything I was dealing with anxiety and deep depression, taking medicine every day to help but NOTHING really helped. At this point I was in a very dark place in my head.
I always believed in God and knew who He was but never had a relationship with Him. I remember telling God one day that I just want to be happy, never thinking anything of it. God heard me and sent me someone. Sade got hired right when I was giving up on everything. We worked together, got to know each other over a year. I don’t know why but I started to open up to her about what I was dealing with; all she would say was you need to come to church with me. I was like no God is not happy with me right now. I was embarrassed to show my face in God’s house. Months went by I got out of an unhealthy relationship and was very scared at this point. I’d never been on my own and Sade told me God will not let you fail, still telling me to come to church with her and I was still saying no. A couple more weeks went by I was still trying to figure everything out. Sade asked me again to come to church with her and this time I was willing.
On July 26, 2020, I walked into the church with so much shame. As the Service was going on it felt like the pastor was talking directly to me and something came over me. I got so emotional out of nowhere. As he was preaching he was telling me what I needed to do to build a relationship with God and I was starting to accept what he was saying. That night I began to talk to God. I knew I had to confess. I was wrong, what I was doing, and how I was living my life. I told God I just want to be happy and I will not go back to that lifestyle.
Within that first month of going to church I got saved and I was building a relationship with God. God began to work on me, working on my heart, working on my way of thinking, working on my addiction. God took the desire for alcohol away from me, to the point it makes me sick to my stomach. God changed the people around me that did me no good. God spoke life into me. God told me who I was with him and I believe that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. God gave me confidence to believe I was loved and beautiful. I began to say positive things about myself and others. God was building me up, making me strong at heart, where I was so weak before. I have so much self-worth, respect and value for myself that I didn’t even know I had in me. I carry myself like the lady I am. God taught me how to protect my heart because I have a good one.
Now, I have a relationship with God and I know what he can do, because he did it for me. I can now call myself a woman of God and be proud. As of now I’m still walking with God, still learning how good he is and just trying to be good in His eyes.
