Keeping It All In
We can only hold things in for so long. Eventually, things that we’ve held onto will be stirred around, triggered, and emotions drawn out. It may even get to a point that we don’t know what to do with them.
The thing is, everyone has a story.
Our stories, traumas and experiences may be different but they’re there. How / Why is it that we hold on to them for so long without saying a word? Shame? Guilt? Blame? I do not know the exact answer for mine anyways, but what I do know is I’ve learned recently that I can’t hold onto them anymore. I know I’m not alone, I’m just one woman in a world of many who don’t know how to share or where to begin even.
Recently, I had the opportunity of attending an amazing Bible study / support group at my church which was absolutely incredible and nothing like I’ve experienced before.
Funny thing is, I almost didn’t attend. I had not read the chapters that were recommended prior to attendance. I Messaged one of the leaders and she basically told me not to worry, I wouldn’t be the only one. So, I decided to make a point to go. Well, then, the next day one of our furbabes was pretty sick and I was quite worried, but I decided he would be okay and on my way I went. Well, I guess I got my days mixed up and was even less prepared than I thought!
We were to prepare “our story.”
Now, before we continue, just to share a little insight about the Bible study / support group…it’s called Restoration Group, which prior to 2020, took place annually. It uses the book Redemption by MIKE along with the book of Exodus from the Bible as the guides.
Let’s jump back to how I didn’t have my story ready. You see, the thing is, there is or WAS not ONE person in this world that knows / knew everything about me; not my husband, not my family, nor my besties. So, the idea was to come prepared in regards to sharing your story, which could include personal info about your childhood, traumas, experiences, addictions or struggles, past or present.
Basically, anything which has brought you to the point you’re currently at or maybe even where you are not. I had prepared ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. As I mentioned above, I had my weekends mixed up, but apart from that, I had never opened about things before so why would I do so now?
During our teaching and prayer, we were encouraged to be open, honest and share what we were comfortable with. Sure, I’ve got this, I’ll share just enough but not too much like I’ve ALWAYS done in the past. I, myself, began praying, asking God to give me the right words to share. We broke out into small groups (6 women in mine) and began. I sat, listened and would occasionally repeat the same prayer in my head.
Dear Lord, please give me the right words to share.
My turn came, I began crying immediately and struggled to get the words out. I took a moment to catch my breath and thoughts. I proceeded by opening my heart and mind completely. The realization of how much pain, trauma and hurt I’ve held onto for soooo many years, broke me. Although it felt like a huge burden lifted, I also wanted to sink right into my seat. I hadn’t planned my story and most certainly didn’t plan on sharing as much as I had. God was definitely working and I’m so thankful he gave me the courage to not only share but to help begin the process of releasing so much pain while providing the right atmosphere to do so.
I’m not at a point where I am ready to share specific details publicly, just yet, but do want to share I am in the process. God is definitely working in my life and heart. If I’m being completely honest, it’s a lot to process and left me feeling emotionally drained for a good week or so after
A few months ago, the idea of this blog was laid upon my heart. At the time, I wasn’t sure what to do with it exactly but I knew I wanted to create a safe space for women to share their stories. Whether or not they want / wanted to be mentioned as the author or remain anonymous was / is completely up to them.
Then I realized, I’m asking other women to share their stories when I have not even begun to share mine!
I am not sure how to begin sharing parts of my story nor when I will or the details I will include, but I do know God will continue working and giving me the courage to do so.
