Beyond Regret: Discovering God's Plan in Painful Experiences
The Girl Who Almost had an Abortion
There was a girl who lived life on her own terms. She danced through the days with a carefree spirit, unburdened by the weight of responsibilities or consequences. She was loving life, living in the moment and for weekend parties. She embraced every moment with wild enthusiasm, chasing after fleeting pleasures without a second thought for tomorrow. However, as time passed, the consequences of her actions began to catch up with her. The same spontaneity that once brought her joy now left her with a trail of regrets in its wake. She realized that the things she had neglected - her relationships, her future, her own well-being - would become sources of deep sorrow.
She was born with a brave, free and wild spirit. She entered the world ready to run and push everything to the limit. From a young age and a small town, she'd always dreamt of becoming a mother and having a family. She'd spent her carefree days playing outside and running around barefoot on the farm.
She was in her early 20s, about to make a choice that would plague her mind and heart for years to come.
Although that's not where the poor choices began or ended but definitely one that would have a lasting impact. She found herself in a relationship where she made poor choices and gave others too much control over her decisions.
During the midst of making poor decisions, she became pregnant.
She knew, she just knew.
Craving soft serve ice cream from McDonalds and not feeling well, there was no denying it.
A positive test at a friend's house was confirmed. She didn't know what would come next. A LOT of shame, embarrassment, worry and a tad excitement flooded through her body. Here was the girl that had always wanted to be a mother but not quite at this time.
Again, what would she do?
Then, she heard the words "I don't have a job; I can't take care of a baby." She had to figure it out. Her choice was made. She would have an abortion. She didn’t agree with it, it's not what she really wanted but she was willing to live with that choice for the rest of her life. It was worth the risk and shame she would face with her family, friends, and others around her.
She went about life pretending none of it was real… apart from asking a friend for financial help to get an abortion. The timeline was not recorded but she began to bleed. A trip to the emergency room with a friend confirmed it could go either way. She left the ER and brushed everything aside. The following weekend she partied like nothing in life had changed. The baby was gone the same weekend.
She had lost the baby.
Lying on a floor enduring the physical pain feeling like she wanted to crawl inside the floor to make it go away. A large clump had fallen in the toilet, she knew what it was, flushed.
It was gone.
Weeks, months and years passed by. She would occasionally confide in a friend or two about how she was feeling and the struggle of having to process everything. She didn’t understand how this would play out and would forever be a part of her story. The girl and the boy NEVER talked about it. It’s as if it had never happened. She held onto the bitterness and emotional turmoil within, for so many years. No, she didn’t have an abortion BUT she almost did. She had planned everything out.
Although she did not and does not agree with it still, she was going to do it. Although she didn’t HAVE to go through with it, it sticks with her to this day that she had considered it. How would she get through this? How would she live with her original decision?
Everything would work out. She didn’t know it at the time but God would use this as a MAJOR part of her story and be a living testament of his grace and love. You see, the biggest struggle of losing this baby was not the fact I had lost the baby. It was having to keep everything in, mourning alone throughout the years, keeping this part of my life a huge secret to avoid shame and judgment, and self judgment. For years, I wondered how God would use this in my life and as a part of my testimony to share with others and well, here we are. A couple months ago, I received a phone call from a dear friend who is more like family. She invited me to speak in front of 150 women. She had no idea this was something I had been through. I began to tear up, shared a tid bit of my story and told her I would pray about it. So you see why I say this is a God thing, because it truly is. And as I share here today I am blessed that God has given me the courage to share this publicly.
It may take years at times BUT HE HAS A PLAN and it is the PERFECT PLAN and this is just a small part of it!
A wise counselor and dear friend once shared a profound insight with me: instead of wondering WHY certain things have happened to us, we should shift our focus to how God can use these experiences for good. Reflecting on this, as I stand in 2024, I've truly witnessed the remarkable ways in which God has moved in my life. Despite the deep pain of enduring sexual abuse both as a child and as a teenager, an unplanned pregnancy that ended with miscarriage and numerous other trials; I’ve seen how these hardships have shaped my path and have led me directly to working with sex trafficking victims. It's become my heartfelt mission and passion of mine to help them find the same liberation and peace that I have, through God's grace.
I am certain that I am where I am today because of His enduring love and the transformative work He has done in my life.
Just as it says in:
Ephesians 2:8–9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
All of this to say I know, I am, where I am today, because God has brought me this far and out of some very deep pits.
Grace is a VERY real thing!
PS. God has worked in my life so much I have since genuinely forgiven the guy and we’ve had a couple open conversations about it (in past years). I am at peace with it and him.
True forgiveness does wonders for the soul!
